The Power of Validation in Relationships
As a psychologist, I often see couples and individuals struggling with a fundamental but frequently overlooked component of healthy relationships—validation. Validation is the art of recognizing, accepting, and affirming another person’s emotions and experiences, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. It communicates to your partner that their feelings matter and make sense in their context, which helps your partner feel seen and heard.
Validation doesn’t mean you always have to agree. Instead, it’s about acknowledging that your partner’s emotions are real and valid for them. For example, if your partner says, “I feel hurt that you cancelled our dinner plans,” an invalidating response might be, “You’re overreacting; it wasn’t a big deal.” In contrast, a validating response might be, “I can understand why you’re upset. I didn’t intend to hurt you, but I see that this was important to you.”
The ability to validate your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences can make the difference between a relationship that thrives and one that slowly deteriorates under the weight of misunderstanding and emotional disconnection.However, even with the best of intentions, people often struggle to validate their partners. Familiarizing oneself with tools to validate another can often help facilitate safer, stronger, and more fulfilling relationships.
Why Is Validation Important?
When people feel heard and understood, they are more likely to open up emotionally, leading to deeper intimacy and trust. It is a process that helps facilitate emotional safety within a relationship, which is essential for a healthy connection. Learning how to validate your partner is also a helpful tool when navigating conflict. Many relationship conflicts escalate because one or both partners feel dismissed or invalidated. Validation diffuses defensiveness and creates a space for constructive conversation.
A relationship thrives on emotional closeness. Validation strengthens the emotional bond by reinforcing the idea that both partners’ emotions matter, all while encouraging healthy and honest communication without the fear of being dismissed or judged.
Offering validation within relationships is not always easy. Some people have a harder time expressing or understanding emotions, which can lead to a lack of validation. Others may struggle with managing emotional or verbal responses in moments where they feel accused or blamed. Our instinct in these cases may be to defend ourselves rather than acknowledge our partner’s feelings at all, only further amplifying the conflict. In these moments, it is important to ground ourselves enough to maintain empathy for our partner and avoid jumping to assert ourselves from a place of judgment. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, and refrain from criticizing or dismissing their emotions. In a healthy relational dynamic, there should be space for both parties to feel heard and validated.
How to Practice Validation
1. Listen Actively
Give your full attention to your partner, and put away distractions when they are sharing their feelings. This helps to communicate to your partner that you are present and that you are prioritizing helping them feel heard.
2. Reflect and Summarize
Repeat what you hear to ensure understanding. “It sounds like you felt disappointed when I didn’t call you back.”
3. Avoid Judgment
Refrain from criticizing or dismissing their emotions. Their feelings are real, even if you perceive the situation differently.
4. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Encourage deeper discussion by asking, “Can you tell me more about what’s upsetting you?”
5. Use Nonverbal Cues
Sometimes, body language speaks louder than words. Nodding, maintaining an open posture, and offering a consensual reassuring touch can reinforce your validation and care.
6. Acknowledge the Emotion, Not Just the Situation
Instead of focusing solely on the event, recognize the underlying feelings. For example, “I hear that you felt left out when I didn’t invite you. That must have been really painful.” If you need more clarity on what their emotional experience was, it never hurts to ask! Asking our partner more questions about their experience can also signify interest and care.
7. Refrain from Problem-Solving Unless Asked
Instead of jumping to solutions, first acknowledge their emotions. You can ask, “Would you like advice, or do you just want me to listen?”
8. Validate Even When You Disagree
You don’t have to agree to validate. Saying, “I see why that was frustrating for you,” shows understanding without requiring agreement.
9. Practice Patience
If validation feels unnatural at first, keep practicing. The more you engage in it, the more natural it will become.
Validation is about creating an environment where emotions are acknowledged and respected. When practiced consistently, validation strengthens the emotional foundation of any relationship, making it more resilient in the face of challenges. Remember that validation is a two way street, and that a relationship can only thrive where the feelings of both parties are being acknowledged. For those who struggle with this form of care, therapy can be a great way to explore and work through any boundaries to offering validation, and a safe space to practice how to also validate the feelings within oneself.
